I suck at balance.
I’m fully aware of the necessity of balance, but I’m awful at actually applying it to my own life. I really am.
I recently blogged about relying on alcohol, male attention, and identities to numb myself from dealing with the hard shit in my life…the shit that’s really gonna help me know myself and the goodness of God. I avoid the hard stuff because sometimes the hard stuff hurts and reminds me that I’m a human being completely out of control of my life, even though control is what I desire most.
So I find things to hide behind and I go all out. If I’m gonna hide behind drinking, I get it in every.single.weekend. If I’m trying to distract myself from loneliness by relying on men to define my worth, I go on three dates a week. If I start to feel guilty about all the alcohol and men, I hide behind the “good Christian girl” identity and focus on crossing my t’s and dotting my i’s, just as I “should.”
Even that damn article had me on a radical tirade for a week straight. I was a fanatic, angry about being part of the 70% of unmarried black women in the U.S. It’s much easier to align myself with these fanatical “causes,” than to do the real work of self-awareness. It’s hard to not only be a part of the 70%, but to move beyond the anger and figure out what that statistic is going to mean for my life — if anything at all.
But self-awareness is tiring. It’s lonely, it’s difficult, and it’s not popular.
That’s why I need balance. I need to stop putting labels on my life and just be me, whoever that may be. It’s gonna be hard, but I really wanna get to know who I am. I think I’m about due for some satisfaction that will only come from being secure in myself. I’m not certain how much longer I will be able to handle this insecurity.