I often find myself bouncing from identity to identity. For four years I was “Mark’s girlfriend.” I liked that one, kinda, but it was exhausting. And I just knew I was gonna marry that man and my identity would change to “Mark’s wife.”  Then one day I thought about the reality of our situation and admitted how awful/exhausting it would be to be “Mark’s wife.” So I dipped — after a long, drawn-out, completely unnecessary process.

Then my identity was the “depressed, single girl” — the single girl who just broke up with the love of her life and hated people who hadn’t. I knew I had just made the best decision of my life, yet I would tell myself lies about why it wasn’t the best decision of my life.  All because of the sadness.  And the loneliness.

But then I learned that sadness and loneliness are merely emotions crucial to the human experience.  So I decided to go buck wild.  Why feel sad and lonely all the time when you can just numb that pain with “fun?” So I decided the “fun, wild, single girl” identity would be perfect for me.  Problem is, no one ever told me that after the numbness wears off, an even deeper pain follows.

I thought relying on God and giving up men for six months would help, but turns out I twisted that into an identity as well, instead of facing the music and facing myself.  I tell you, these identities are such an easy trap for me. I cling to them when I can.

You see, I’m way too complex for a simple identity.  Hell, I’m blogging about identities — clearly I’m not a simple gal. I love to know others and I love to be known, but most of all, I want to know myself.

Not Akirah: who is dating such-and-such…

or Akirah: who isn’t dating anyone…

or Akirah: whose milkshake brings all the boys to the yard after three shots of tequila…

No, I wanna be Akirah: simple and yet oh so complex. I think anything else would just be selling myself short.

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